Purposeful darkness vs. gratuitous darkness
The line between grimdark that matters and darkness that is merely unpleasant is purpose. Every act of violence, every moral compromise, every instance of institutional failure should do work: advance character, deepen theme, or make the world's argument more legible. Gratuitous darkness asks the reader to experience something without offering meaning in return. Purposeful darkness asks the reader to look at something uncomfortable because looking teaches them something true. Ask of every dark element: what does the reader understand about this world, this character, or this theme that they did not understand before? If the answer is nothing, the darkness is doing nothing.